CloWn
12-11-2007, 09:02 PM
HAHAHA, found an old word document from grade 5, knock yaselves out.
o Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
o Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
o They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody.
o A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
o There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
o In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten
o The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
o Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.
o Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
o Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
o Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
o Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
o The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's *******.
o When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ***, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
o Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
o When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
o Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
o Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
o Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
o Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
o Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
o China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
o Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
o If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you
o Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
o When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
o Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
o Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
o Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
o Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
o Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
o Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
o If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down
o Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
o Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
o Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
o There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
o Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
o Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
o When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
o Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.
o Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
o Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
o Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
o Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
o Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
o If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
o When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
o Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
o Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
o God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
o When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
o Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
o A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
o Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
o Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
o Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
o If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
o Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
o Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
o If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
o Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
o Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
o Chuck Norris invented water.
o Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ***, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
o Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
o One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
o Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
o Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
o Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
o Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
o In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
o Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s ****.
o Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks *** until he’s full.
o Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are ****roaches and Chuck Norris.
o Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
o Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
o Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.
o Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris
o Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
o When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
o Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
o When you open a can of whoop-***, Chuck Norris jumps out.
o On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't ****ing think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."
o Chuck Norris can **** into gale force winds.
o There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
o Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
o Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
o Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
o Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
o Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
o After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
o Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
o Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
o Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
o Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
o Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
o There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
o Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
o Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
o Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
o The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
o Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
o Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
o Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
o When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1.... 1 roundhouse kick to the face..
o Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
o Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
o Some kids **** their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can **** his name into concrete.
o Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
o Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
o Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
o Chuck Norris can speak braille.
o Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
o Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
o Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
o Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
o If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
o Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
o Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
o On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
o Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
o Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
o Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
o Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
o Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
o When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
o Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
o Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
o Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
o If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.
o Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
o Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
o If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
o Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
o When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
o Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take **** from anyone.
o Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
o Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
o Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
o Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
o The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
o Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
o Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
o Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
o Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
o Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never ****s up.
o Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
o Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Jeep.
o Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
o Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
o Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
o Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
o Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
o A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
o Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
o When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
o When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
o It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
o Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the **** out of the way.
o The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
o Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
o Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
o Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
o Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
o Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
o Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
o Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
o The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of ***** Chuck Norris eats.
o Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is.
o Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
o M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
o Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a ***** would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
o Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
o Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
o Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
o A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
o Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.
o Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
o The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
o The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
o Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
o Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
o Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
o Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
o The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
o If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
o When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
o The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
o Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
o Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
o Chuck Norris used to beat the **** out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
o Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
o The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
o The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
o The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
o Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
o Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
o Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better ****ing do what Chuck Norris says.
o When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.
o When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
o Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
o The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
o We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
o It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
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