joke thread

[Tanios]

please no dirty jokes ... keep it clean but funny.

how many add kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

answer: i dont know wanna go ride bikes?

[diesel]

its old but i love it!

ne evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my
puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not
what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at
a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide
which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted
new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair
of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She
must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think
she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a
loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when
she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't
you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[diesel]

and i love these too :D
*warning contains course language*

Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
****ing right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
******, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the ****ing
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the ****?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever ****ing does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you ****ing McTosser.

[MrMiniDude]

some chuck norris jokes lolz

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral $ex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has *** on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's
Chuck Norris!" Then she had had $ex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass, at night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up
with lactose's $hit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

Al

[MrMiniDude]

Chuck Norris is able to make the sound of one hand clapping. The rest of humanity perceives this sound as a solar eclipse.

The Martial Arts Hall of Fame was inducted into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ body is able to cash any check that his mouth writes. On a hot summer day Chuck Norris’ body even cashed a check for $537 Million that his mouth wrote. Chuck Norris used the money to buy 17 Ice Cream factories, 16 to cool himself off and 1 to obliterate for roundhouse kick practice.

Most people understand that their bank deposits are insured by the FDIC. What most people don’t understand is that the FDIC is insured by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows the meaning of every word in the dictionary - except mercy.

Chuck Norris once went back in time to stop the JFK assassination, he went back in time and caught the bullet in his beard, at that time, JFKs head exploded in sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris once shot down a plane by pointing his finger at it and saying BANG

When Chuck Norris jumps in a river, he doesn't get wet, the river gets Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris ever had $ex with a man, its not because he's ***, its because he's run out of woman to do.

soz i forgot some :lol:

Al

[lynziworth]

LMFAO!!! The are all really funny, even though I heard the Billy connely one before!!! its so true though!!

[bsgcorp]

Chuck Norris is able to make the sound of one hand clapping. The rest of humanity perceives this sound as a solar eclipse.

The Martial Arts Hall of Fame was inducted into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ body is able to cash any check that his mouth writes. On a hot summer day Chuck Norris’ body even cashed a check for $537 Million that his mouth wrote. Chuck Norris used the money to buy 17 Ice Cream factories, 16 to cool himself off and 1 to obliterate for roundhouse kick practice.

Most people understand that their bank deposits are insured by the FDIC. What most people don’t understand is that the FDIC is insured by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows the meaning of every word in the dictionary - except mercy.

Chuck Norris once went back in time to stop the JFK assassination, he went back in time and caught the bullet in his beard, at that time, JFKs head exploded in sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris once shot down a plane by pointing his finger at it and saying BANG

When Chuck Norris jumps in a river, he doesn't get wet, the river gets Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris ever had $ex with a man, its not because he's ***, its because he's run out of woman to do.

soz i forgot some :lol:







ha ha ha ha ha. thats good man. nice post. I hope you got alot of points on that

Al

[Ferahgo]

your face...

:lol:

[bbbwegv]

"the early bird,the early inside"
:D

[noobie]

The chuck norris ones are brilliant haha, will have to show bf these, he will be in stitches for hours lol

[Vintage]

McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you ****ing McTosser.

So i laughed for about 5 minutes at that, and then during that my dad walks in the room and stands in my doorway and i spin around laughing my *** off, crying tears of utter hilariousness, and then i vomit up my cordial and jellybabies from laughing too much.
Thank you sir.

[Vintage]

Oh and i love changing my name in TF2 to make fun of that 12 year old kid that no one likes because hes asian and sounds like hes 3.

[noobie]

and what is wrong woth being asian? :?

[Vintage]

Nothing is, but its fun being racist to him because he gets so angry about it. And then rage quits, one time one of my friends (MAD DOG VISION! One of the best players in Australia) we were in a Jump map and he killed him so many time when he got to the top and its really big so its hard and he started crying.